Staying home since mid-March, I’ve finally decided to do the unthinkable and clean out all the moving boxes still sitting in my garage since we moved in a little over 4 years ago. Even though I haven’t looked at my things since they were packed up neatly into little boxes, I just couldn’t part with most of my books, pictures, and mementos. I still had a hard time “thanking my belongings and throwing them away”.
I also found a collection of my writings. I forgot how much I loved to write fiction as a kid. It was so therapeutic for me. I would get so lost telling someone else’s story. Here’s one that I wrote back in my teenage years. Can’t believe that was ages ago…actually, it feels like a whole lifetime ago! I think it’s a perfect story to share just in time for Asian Pacific American Heritage month. Hope you enjoy!
The sun begins to set along the smog-infested freeway. Dozens of cars are aligned one right after the other. One could easily mistaken this as a car sales lot.
Everyone is in a rush to get home, cook dinner and spend time with their families. A lady in her early 40s looks at her watch to what seems like the one-hundredth time in five minutes.
“What the hell is it this time?”
As she slowly approaches the problem, it appears to be nothing of major importance…just a car which was slightly rear-ended.
“What a bunch of looky loos!” she yells outside her closed window. She is slim, dark skinned, of Filipino descent with jet black hair.
**********
She makes a rush to the market to buy some food for dinner. As she hurries out the door a woman yells her name. “Marivic. Marivic? Is that you?” Marivic turns around.
The woman says, “Is your name Marivic Dela Cruz by any chance?” Marivic, slightly hesitant, nods her head. “I’m sorry, do I know you? I don’t believe we’ve met.”
The lady, smiling, explains, “Mari, don’t you remember? Fifth grade…back in the Philippines.”
Marivic replies, “I…I…don’t know what you’re talking about.” And with that, Marivic turns her back to the lady and hurriedly walks to her car without waiting for a reply. The lady, in the middle of the parking lot, with her bag of groceries, stands dumbfounded.
**********
While standing in line at the bank a Filipino man addresses Marivic. He clears his throat and slowly studies her from head to toe as if she were an antique Oriental rug on sale, and he, searching for any damages. “What are you?” he asks still observing her.
“I’m American,” Marivic replies, slightly moving away from the man.
The man shakes his head and smiles. “No, I mean what…”
She interrupts him and says,”My grandparents are Filipino, if that’s what you mean,” she says, almost disgustingly.
**********
It is a beautiful, warm and breezy Saturday night while Marivic channel surfs, talking to herself. “I can’t believe there’s nothing on right now. I pay for 50 stations and not one has something good on TV.”
The warm breeze passes inside the room and she looks outside her window. She stares out peacefully and yet almost sadly. “It’s a Saturday night and this is what I’m doing,” she whispers, hypnotized with the city lights outside. As she continues to look out, the phone rings. Mari, as if lost in a dream, fails to hear the phone and the answering machine picks up.
“Mari, this is your mom. It’s an…” Mari finally comes to and recognizes a difference in her mother’s voice, almost like a cry for help. She picks up the phone.
“Mom? What…” shocked with the news she’s just received from her mother, she drops the phone. Mari sits there for what seems like an eternity, dumbfounded. Then, Mari finally picks up the phone and dials.
“Yes, I’d like to make a reservation please…the Philippines…”
**********
Carmen is Mari’s long-lost friend. Carmen and Mari were the best of friends in the Philippines before Mari left for America at the age of 15. They did everything and anything together. However, once Mari moved to the states, she failed to keep in touch with Carmen. Carmen, on the other hand, always tried, and when she realized that she wasn’t getting anywhere, she would find out about Mari through Mari’s mother. The last time they talked was on the day she left for America. In fact, Mari doesn’t remember much about her life in the Philippines. But according to her mother, she and Carmen were inseparable growing up. Everything she knows or remembers is from what her mom or other people tell her.
Now, Carmen is dying. She has been battling breast cancer for almost seven years and the doctors don’t think she has very long to live.
When Mari arrives in the Philippines, she is shocked at her surroundings. It is very hot and humid with people everywhere. The smell and noise of gas and engines are so strong that she gets a headache. She looks around her and doesn’t remember a thing about the land she lived in for almost half her life. She tries to escape from it all by frantically searching for a jeep to take her away.
At the hospital, everything seems less hectic. The dingy white walls and serious mood of the doctors and nurses slightly put her more at ease.
Carmen De Soto please” she says to one of the nurses.
“Room 311 ma’am.”
With a nod of her head, she walks away, towards a long and seemingly never-ending hall. She hears soft murmurs spoken in an unfamiliar language. The farther she gets in the hall, the louder the voices become. As she passes each room, she looks into the windows. The people inside stare back at her with unwelcome eyes. With each look, she gets a feeling of eeriness, attempts to shrug it off, and quickly looks away.
Mari finally reaches the room and knocks softly before walking in. She peers at the thin, frail and fragile body on the bed. Although Mari feels more comfortable in the room compared to anywhere else she’s been in in the country, she doesn’t recognize the face. With another look, she notices the deep wrinkles and dry, rough skin. As she attempts to remember, she is startled when Carmen slowly opens her eyes. Mari is frozen and they stare at one another, both observing the other. After a brief moment, a smile forms on Carmen’s face, and with a soft, raspy voice, says, “Mari?”
With a sigh, Mari answers yes and sits down on the chair beside the bed.
“I never thought I’d see you again.” Carmen says laughing with all her strength.
“I…my mother told me.” Mari responds, not knowing what else to say, how to feel and what to do.
Carmen, now wide awake and with renewed energy exclaims, “You look great! How long has it been?”
“20… twenty something years?” Mari says, but more to herself than to Carmen. Carmen is full of questions and doesn’t stop. She asks, “when did you get here… what are you doing now…your mom says you’re a graphic artist… are you married”…and goes on and on. Carmen goes off like a turbo machine as if Mari came and healed her from her sickness.
“Oh you should visit our school, it’s a hotel now, and you remember our tienda, ay, that’s gone too…Oh, and our farm? It’s a shopping center now, dios ko!”
“Mari, you remember that day we met?” Carmen looks at her. Mari however, sits on the chair stupefied. Everything is being thrown to her at once and she is lost. The room begins to spin and Carmen’s words are just as muffled as her mind. She jumps up.
“I’m … I’m sorry Carmen but I’m not feeling very well... I’ve got a headache, I think I need to rest.”
“Oh, sure, where are my manners, I’m so sorry. Let me call Rommell to take you to the house and …”
“That isn’t necessary. Thank you but I’ll be staying at a hotel if you don’t mind.” Without waiting for an answer, Mari rushes to the door as Carmen yells behind her.
“Okay, you get some rest, and if you need anything just call. We can chismiss later.”
As Mari half jogs and walks through the halls, she peers into the windows of each room again. With each glance, she receives a cold and uninviting look. She rushes out of the hospital not knowing where to go and what to do. She decides to take a long walk to clear her mind.
Mari doesn’t understand what is going on. Why can’t she remember this woman whom she used to call her best friend? Why is she having such a hard time remembering anything about this place? She was born here for God’s sake. What is it? All of these questions and no answers
Why did she even come? It’s not as if Carmen was still her best friend. Why couldn’t she just tell Carmen that she didn’t remember? Why didn’t she just tell her straight out that she didn’t care about the past or what happened to the school or farm they used to play in? Why, why, why …because she couldn’t. She knew that somehow, her relationship with Carmen was too important and that she did care, deep down inside she did.
Mari looks around her and realizes that unconsciously, she walked to the shopping center, which used to be the farm that Carmen and her grew up on. In a search to find herself and who she is and was, she is hurt to see that she reaches a dead end. She now runs to the tienda that Carmen’s parents used to own. That too, as Carmen explained, was gone. She shakes her head in disbelief. As she walks back however, she sees a lake from the corner of her eyes. It is hidden by trees, but she hears children splashing and laughing. She slowly walks into the trees and sees the small lake. The water is green and full of dried, dead leaves, but to her it is beautiful. As she watches the children play, she sees Carmen and herself as children taking a little swim to cool off.
“Carmen, Carmen, can you do this?”
“Ah! That’s nothing! Watch me do a somersault into the water!” Carmen says.
As they waddle in the lake, footsteps and an old lady’s voice is heard. “Hoy! I thought I told you…”
Mari jumps out of the water. “Oh no, grandma’s coming! Let’s get out.” But it is too late. Mari’s grandmother catches them in the water. With her hands on her hips, she yells, “You’re supposed to be washing clothes, not playing around. Wait ‘til I tell your mom’s husband on you!” With this, she shakes her head and snickers as she walks away.
Carmen sees Mari’s sad and worried face. She tries to cheer her up and helps her wash the clothes. “Come on, Mari, I’ll help you. Don’t worry, we’ll finish this real fast.” But Mari doesn’t answer. She knows that no matter what she does now, she’ll still be punished. Carmen tells her, “look, you can come to my house and hide. He won’t be able to find you and then he won’t hit you.” Carmen smiles, but no matter what she says, Mari is in a world of her own. Carmen, at a loss for words, looks at Mari washing the clothes and sees all of the bruises on her arms. Carmen gives her a hug and says, “Don’t worry Mari, when we’re big, we’ll run away to America and be rich. Then, he’ll never hurt you again.”
Mari’s eyes are filled with tears. How could she have forgotten all the times she shared with Carmen? All those times she ran away from her abusive stepdad, or those times when they would steal bananas from other people’s trees, or when they had to feed the chickens and they all ran out of the barn and they spent the entire day and night finding them. Yes, her and Carmen went through so much together. The good times and ALL those bad.
In her excitement she rushes back to the hospital to talk to Carmen. On her way there, everything becomes more familiar to her. The smell of the pancit cooking down the street, the aroma of the chicken adobo, and the pan de sals baking all come back to life. Even the odor of the engines and gas don’t bother her as much. As she enters the hospital and walks through the long and narrow hallway, she gazes again at the people in the rooms. This time, however, they look back at her as friends. She sees the gentleness and care in their eyes. Their faces make her feel welcome and so she smiles back.
She reaches Carmen’s room and again, there is the feeling of warmth and comfortableness she felt the first time she stepped into the room. Carmen is sleeping so she decides to sit beside her and wait until she wakes up. Mari stares at Carmen’s steady breathing and her face, how beautiful it looks to her now. A nurse come in and tells Mari that visiting hours are over and that she must leave. Mari decides to watch Carmen through her window. As she watches the nurse tidy up her room and tuck her in to bed, she whispers, “I remember. Thank you Carmen…thanks a lot.”
* * * * * * * *
Mari had tried so hard to succeed in the “promised land.” She wanted so much to start all over again that she learned to forget her past; where she came from and who she really was. No wonder she always felt like something was missing in her life and that she was always running away. But what she didn’t realize is that her past formed her into the type of person she is today: strong, independent and determined. It’s weird how one bad incident can replace or make you forget all of your good. She is still so amazed at how she was able to forget so much. But she doesn’t care now, the only thing that matters is that she does remember, and realizes that she is….home again.